Four problems that I can solve with toys.

#1 Teenage pregnacy.

The problem is that girls are shown from a young age that parenthood is awesomesauce and the younger they raise a kid, the better by products like this. So my idea is to make a baby doll that spews vomit and turds whenever you touch it and also make the kid play with it 24 seven, also, add in a cry factor that deprives your child of sleep! It will make your little girl stay un-pregnent until her hormones overpower her devastated psychological state.

#2 Murder

The problem is that kids see murdering in video games with no consequence, so the answer is to just make a game that makes murdering people un-fun by putting you in jail for ten minutes whenever you look at anyone funny. This will make the entire experience of being able to kill anyone you want incredibly un-fun, but that game already exists, so just buy your son Oblivion.

#3 Teenage insecurity in girls

The problem is that everything young girls play with makes them believe that they NEED to be pretty in order to be wanted, and that getting a man trumps your family, culture, heritage, and untainted criminal record. (Disney princess movies, i'm serious, these are the values our beloved classics are teaching.)

This one is simple, make your daughter play with transformers.

#4 Young girls dressing like tramps and young boys dressing like jerks

A&F and other fashion stores are constantly feeding our girls that in order to get anywhere in life, you need to be under 100 LBS. and be looser than knot tied by a drunk four year old. They tell our boys that they need to drink, abuse women, and act like jersey shore. Unfortunately, there is really no way to prevent this, because these ads are everywhere. My suggestion, keep you kid locked up in the basement until they turn 18, it's for their own good.

the fretlessbass reviews: You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

I used to go to this middle school; I graduated from it last year. So this year I decided to go to that school's musical, because I am a vet of the program, and I have some pretty BAMF eighth grade friends in the play.

This year, it was You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. I don't generally like this kind of musical, because it doesn't really have a plot. It's more of a series of vignettes from the comic strip.

So I don't like the play, but everyone in it was awesome, especially the lead, and my good friend, Johnny Kilcoyne.

Now I'm about to assault the play, but I want you all to know, I enjoyed myself at that play, I just really don't like the writing.

My first and foremost complaint, every character in that play is a jerk in the upper echelons of nasty. Half the play is spent with multiple children telling Charlie Brown that he is a terrible person right to his face. Therefore, I think the play is a commentary on bullies, but this play isn't about bullies, if that were so, then Mr. Brown would be the only non-bully in his community, therefore, I think it's something in the water they drink, but Chaz is too busy being an emo to drink anything put pain and his own tears.

This has been a hastily written review, by Micholas.

the fretlessbass reviews: Sucker Punch

Sucker Punch is everything it looks like, babes with machine guns in a surprisingly deep and confusing movie.

I love Zack Snyder; Watchmen is my fourth favorite movie of all time, so I was extremely excited for Sucker Punch.

The movie follows the story of a girl whose parents die, and her step-father tries to rape/kill her and her sister; in self-defense, she accidentally shoots her sister, and gets sent to a mental asylum by her evil step-father. She then actually goes insane and imagines the asylum as a burlesque strip club where the girls are forced to dance for important men. Whenever she dances, she hallucinates about a totally epic fight scene, and apparently that looks sexy to everyone else. She then has to orchestrate an escape from the club/asylum before she gets lobotomized.

However, the movie failed to live up to my standards for Mister Snyder. My first grievance is that the movie has absolutely nothing to do with Sucker Punches, I would have called it, "Babes with guns, what else do you want?." Maybe Zack just needs to stay with R rated movies, Sucker puke is PG-13, so it had all the usual themes Snyder deals with, (Rape, lots of it, sexuality, freedom, insanity) just toned down to the point where it didn't get across. Some people would say the movie is sexist, and it probably is, but i'm pretty sure it was meant to be empowering; it wasn't.

I did like the fight scenes in Super Punch, they are visually stunning, and totally awesome. There's nothing else to say, they're really well done.

Overall, if you like cool fight scenes and kind of being confused, then see Sucker Punch, it's Inception meets Shutter Island, meets Sin City.