I just got back from a ten day trip to Florida, most of which I spent in Disney World, the mother of all amusement parks. For those of you who don't know it, I have a working theory that Disney secretly owns everything in the world, including YOU, and what I saw in the Florida park only advanced my far- fetched hypothesis. My mother was able to set up the entire trip easily on the computer, we got a great hotel in the Animal Kingdom that let you look out at animals in the hotel's backyard, we got a meal deal, which meant three meals a day and one snack a day with no hassle, and we could "park hop."
So apart from the conspiracy theory part of this review, I will be reviewing each park in the resort in the order I visited them, and, in the end, Disney's overall appeal to me.
1. Epcot: the Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow was the worst park in the entire resort. It seemed to be based around education, which is not why I came to Florida, and the only way to make the park more interesting was to pronounce the area called "The Land" in a really low voice. It had a few gems thrown in, it had Soarin' which was agreed upon by my family to be one of the best rides in the resort, and the Mission Space simulator, which was a mock-mission to Mars complete with three-G's, and Test Track, which was half roller- coaster and half something else. So because of the previous rides mentioned, Epcot is worth visiting, but don't get excited.
2. Hollywood Studios: The almost polar opposite of Epcot, Hollywood Studios is all about movies. Many of the attractions in the park were actually shows about filming movies, in which there was no fourth wall. These shows were all very good, but the real reasons to visit Hollywood studios are the Tower of Terror, and the Rockin' Roller Coaster. The Tower of Terror is different from other drop rides because it has a plot, I won't ruin it for you. The Rockin' Roller Coaster is one of only two true roller coasters in all of Disney. It also blasted classic rock behind you while you rode, so it was a good ride for me. In all, Hollywood Studios is probably the overall best park in Disney.
3. Animal Kingdom: This was the park that was tied for second with Magic Kingdome. This park had such rides as Dinosaur! and Expedition Everest. Dinosaur! was not a roller coaster, but not a sit there and watch the story go by ride. In Dinosaur!, you ride a time machine on the bumpiest ride since my airplane pilot died just before landing, trying to bring a dinosaur back to 2010, from literally moments before a giant comet hits the Earth and kills over half of all life on Earth. Expedition Everest is the only other true roller coaster in Disney, and It was a great ride; Animal Kingdom is a park you don't want to miss.
4. Magic Kingdom: The Magic Kingdom was not all it was cracked up to be, the best rides in the park were Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, and Buzz Lightyear. Splash Mountain was just a wet ride that takes you through the Br'er Rabbit story, before dropping you into a not that big splash. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was a lame roller coaster that had no sharp turns, and was really just circling the whole time you rode it. Buzz Lightyear is an interactive ride that lets you shoot lasers at the minions of Zerg. Magic Kingdom was just OK in comparison to the rest of Disney, because it had the highest concentration of mediocrity, unlike Epcot, with the highest concentration of suck, Hollywood Studios, with the highest concentration of good, and Animal Kingdom, which is somewhere in-between. At least in Epcot, you have Misson Space, Test Track, and Soarin' as gems thrown in among garbage. Magic Kingdom's lack of good to balance the OK may even make it the worst Amusement park in Disney.
To conclude this article, I would like to explain my lack of enthusiasm for the land where all your dreams come true. The truth is, the slogan says it all, but the dreams that come alive at Disney are those of young children who stay up all night listening for Santa Claus, playing spaceman in the backyard, and having tea parties with stuffed hippos. While Disney has branched out a little to older vacationers like myself, it is still geared for younger audiences, it saddens me so say this, but for anyone above the age of 12, the magic is almost over, Disney should be experienced by children the ages of 6-10, when Never Never Land isn't so far away.
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